The lullaby of my angst and weary.

The madness ends tonight; those were the words that kept running over and over my head.

I couldn’t live normally without you again...

I know that I don’t have any right to demand your presence…But my heart is really crying for you…

For 5 days I became a slave of waiting for you…Every time my cell phone would beep, I would rush and open up the message… only finding out in the end that it would be messages from somebody else. I almost placed my cell phone in the trash bin… but my heart was really taking over this time, for five days my cell phone was clutched in my hand…

I was hoping… waiting and missing you…

The day before you called, I decided to end my misery…To stop before I lost total control.

I was on my way home when my cell phone rang… I didn’t pay attention to it… It stopped… and I didn’t even bother to look who was calling, after a few minutes it rang again… I continued ignoring it… until the 5th time it rang… I was curious when I saw that the number wasn’t registered.

I answered,,, “hello? Who’s this?..”

It was a voice that my heart has memorized… it was the lullaby of my weary and angst. It was a voice which I have always thought of at night… it was yours.

The moment I realized that it was you…, I was trembling… of heart ache.. of anger.. of nervousness… it’s as if I wanted to talk to you the way I did before whenever you did something you know I don’t like…

I wanted to yell to you in my high pitched voice “Anu ba??! Bkt ngayon ka lang tumawag? Ano? Nambababae ka nanaman? Naasar nako tlga sayo!” (“Why did you call only now?? What were you thinking of? Or maybe you were with your other woman again! You really piss me off!!”) but ofcourse… Who am I to talk to you that way?

And so you were explaining to me… I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to explain to me… but I liked it… it was giving me a relief, at least my mind was at peace… questions were answered about your sudden disappearance… I was broken when I heard you say that you had a girlfriend… not my heart.. but the whole me… I was crushed… I wanted to tell you that I am willing to continue this kind of relationship… that I wanted you more and more everyday... but all I managed was to say that I understand you… and I know my place.

As I bid goodbye to you, I wasn’t myself anymore…, a river of tears fell down, I don’t even know the reason why I was crying, maybe because I was in so much regret.

I felt my heart return to life… and I felt it return to its cold and unmoving state.

I felt like a part of me was missing, like there was a hole in my heart,

But the moment you called, I felt like I was whole again, like there was no wound before… but the moment you started to tell me everything, it was then that I realized that I shouldn’t have answered the call, that I was about to know something that I wasn’t prepared to know…