The lullaby of my angst and weary.

The madness ends tonight; those were the words that kept running over and over my head.

I couldn’t live normally without you again...

I know that I don’t have any right to demand your presence…But my heart is really crying for you…

For 5 days I became a slave of waiting for you…Every time my cell phone would beep, I would rush and open up the message… only finding out in the end that it would be messages from somebody else. I almost placed my cell phone in the trash bin… but my heart was really taking over this time, for five days my cell phone was clutched in my hand…

I was hoping… waiting and missing you…

The day before you called, I decided to end my misery…To stop before I lost total control.

I was on my way home when my cell phone rang… I didn’t pay attention to it… It stopped… and I didn’t even bother to look who was calling, after a few minutes it rang again… I continued ignoring it… until the 5th time it rang… I was curious when I saw that the number wasn’t registered.

I answered,,, “hello? Who’s this?..”

It was a voice that my heart has memorized… it was the lullaby of my weary and angst. It was a voice which I have always thought of at night… it was yours.

The moment I realized that it was you…, I was trembling… of heart ache.. of anger.. of nervousness… it’s as if I wanted to talk to you the way I did before whenever you did something you know I don’t like…

I wanted to yell to you in my high pitched voice “Anu ba??! Bkt ngayon ka lang tumawag? Ano? Nambababae ka nanaman? Naasar nako tlga sayo!” (“Why did you call only now?? What were you thinking of? Or maybe you were with your other woman again! You really piss me off!!”) but ofcourse… Who am I to talk to you that way?

And so you were explaining to me… I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to explain to me… but I liked it… it was giving me a relief, at least my mind was at peace… questions were answered about your sudden disappearance… I was broken when I heard you say that you had a girlfriend… not my heart.. but the whole me… I was crushed… I wanted to tell you that I am willing to continue this kind of relationship… that I wanted you more and more everyday... but all I managed was to say that I understand you… and I know my place.

As I bid goodbye to you, I wasn’t myself anymore…, a river of tears fell down, I don’t even know the reason why I was crying, maybe because I was in so much regret.

I felt my heart return to life… and I felt it return to its cold and unmoving state.

I felt like a part of me was missing, like there was a hole in my heart,

But the moment you called, I felt like I was whole again, like there was no wound before… but the moment you started to tell me everything, it was then that I realized that I shouldn’t have answered the call, that I was about to know something that I wasn’t prepared to know…

and now... are you gone?

That kiss was astonishing… I was not able to sleep…
My heart skipped beats… and my mind was totally out of itself

Spending a few hours with you,, having a view of the city.. Seem to pass just like a few minutes.

I will not deny the fact that I have wished the moment would never end…
Nor deny the fact that I felt the complexity of being bothered by my conscience…

My mind tells me to stop seeing you… to stop the madness that night… to turn my back…
But my heart is pushing me… begging me… to let it be alive once more.

I don’t know where you are right now… a couple of days have passed by…

Yet no shadow of you was seen…, not a call... Not even a text message…

You reattached the pieces… and now you are shattering it…




No matter how hurt I am… no matter how long… no matter how hard…


I will keep on waiting….. I will keep on wanting… I will keep holding on…


No matter how long............................….


Every single day.

-----

i miss you so much... i can't help it...

As things are starting to get out of my hands…

Last night was really different…You were outside my office…
I was surprised... Have you forgotten that I am currently engaged??
You asked me to ride the car..
I felt my feet moving on its own towards the passenger’s seat…
What’s with you that I can’t resist
As I entered your car, I felt that same old warmth that would always calm my ringing heart, like I have forgotten the whole world within a second…. That I have forgotten about him whose in the other side of this place, working hard… thinking of me…

I asked you… what the hell are you doing?
And all I had in return was a penetrating stare… My heart had almost lost its consciousness…
You didn’t answer my questions what and where…
I was in total confusion all that time..

it was quite a long drive,,, and suddenly you came to a full stop..

I looked out the window and realized that this was the place where we would usually go and hang out whenever we are stressed… a place where we could see the city from above… where we could cuddle for hours without anybody interrupting us..
And I asked you..

why??

You answered..

“I love you” and suddenly kissed me..

It was a kiss that I’ve never felt before… like there was something chasing us.. like this could be the last.. there was force but I didn’t notice it enough…

I was hesitant… but your lips were really finding its right place on mine..

your lips are still smooth

I felt something moving on my pocket…

My cellphone… .. He’s calling me…

I placed my hand on my pocket

I held my cellphone..........






And hit the power button.

My firefighter

Whenever an alarm rings in my heart, my fire fighter would always come, always there; ready to put out the fire that makes me restless and painful.
He would appease my disposition and help me out of the trouble…
..
After 2 years of putting off the fire all by myself, suddenly my fighter shows up… He “accidentally” shows up and this time he’s the one who started the fire in my heart


That afternoon.....
It was like my long dead heart had started to beat again, however, in an irregular beat.
I don’t know whether I should regret it or be happy with my answer for your invitation. I know you saw the ring on my left hand… I guess you know what it means.
Yes, I am about to get married…. To a man who has never made me happy and not just laugh.
I don’t even know why you purposely bumped on me last time…, but surely, I felt something.. I just can’t determine the feeling… if it’s confusion, sadness or just happiness to see you again.

Now, this is all because of you, my heart is ringing and you’re not here to put off the fire that you have started.

My mind wishes that you should have never shown up again………….


But my heart is calling for you once more...

The Scent Of Your Perfume Awakes My Concealed Sentiments

The scent of your perfume awakes my concealed sentiments

Bumping into you the other day, made me feel like I have just passed through the longest 2 years of my life. You were still you, wearing that same old smile that never failed to make my heart skip a beat and the same scent which leads me to your apartment. The way your eyes held mine felt like you can still see through my whole being.

The way our bodies bumped into each other made me feel the emptiness of my days and nights without your warmth. It’s like my will to forget about you whom I have built for 2 long years have crumbled into ashes within a few seconds. I wanted to grab your hands and be in your loving arms again…

You fixed your hair, just like what you always do, a mannerism… and then asked me for a cup of coffee

I was about to say Yes… but I felt my left hand getting heavier... and heavier…
And I saw a beautiful diamond ring, clinging unto my middle finger. I don’t know if you saw it…

And I said…
“Sure.”