Uncertainty

Will this second chance end like the first one? Like a fast-moving silent bullet train that ended a blind and deaf man’s life on the railroad truck, leaving him asking God “what happened?”

It’s been weeks since we last communicated. Who made the last contact? Did you left a message I wasn’t able to return? Or did I?

Amidst all these, what I’m certain is how much I misses you, even though I don’t want to admit it, even though I know I wasn’t suppose to feel that way, even though in my mind, ending it like this is probably the right thing to do anyway. But since when did I followed my head? How many times have my heart lead me to painful and uncertain paths. I miss you. I long for your kiss. I long for your presence. I long for your embrace even though I am in the arms of another girl that I also knew in my heart that I love.

“Love?” What do I know about love anyway? What do the world knows about love?

I guess this is the right time to end this thing before it really starts.

Time to say goodbye.

In a few days, I’ll be going out of town. I’ve already told my girlfriend that I’ll be gone for a few days for a company seminar.

A few minutes ago, I was fiddling with my cellphone. I sent you a text message, asking you if I may call. You answered yes. You probably sensed the hesitation in my voice, like there’s a big lump stuck inside somewhere.

“Hi,” I said, “want to go with me to Palawan for a few days next weekend?”

The lullaby of my angst and weary.

The madness ends tonight; those were the words that kept running over and over my head.

I couldn’t live normally without you again...

I know that I don’t have any right to demand your presence…But my heart is really crying for you…

For 5 days I became a slave of waiting for you…Every time my cell phone would beep, I would rush and open up the message… only finding out in the end that it would be messages from somebody else. I almost placed my cell phone in the trash bin… but my heart was really taking over this time, for five days my cell phone was clutched in my hand…

I was hoping… waiting and missing you…

The day before you called, I decided to end my misery…To stop before I lost total control.

I was on my way home when my cell phone rang… I didn’t pay attention to it… It stopped… and I didn’t even bother to look who was calling, after a few minutes it rang again… I continued ignoring it… until the 5th time it rang… I was curious when I saw that the number wasn’t registered.

I answered,,, “hello? Who’s this?..”

It was a voice that my heart has memorized… it was the lullaby of my weary and angst. It was a voice which I have always thought of at night… it was yours.

The moment I realized that it was you…, I was trembling… of heart ache.. of anger.. of nervousness… it’s as if I wanted to talk to you the way I did before whenever you did something you know I don’t like…

I wanted to yell to you in my high pitched voice “Anu ba??! Bkt ngayon ka lang tumawag? Ano? Nambababae ka nanaman? Naasar nako tlga sayo!” (“Why did you call only now?? What were you thinking of? Or maybe you were with your other woman again! You really piss me off!!”) but ofcourse… Who am I to talk to you that way?

And so you were explaining to me… I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to explain to me… but I liked it… it was giving me a relief, at least my mind was at peace… questions were answered about your sudden disappearance… I was broken when I heard you say that you had a girlfriend… not my heart.. but the whole me… I was crushed… I wanted to tell you that I am willing to continue this kind of relationship… that I wanted you more and more everyday... but all I managed was to say that I understand you… and I know my place.

As I bid goodbye to you, I wasn’t myself anymore…, a river of tears fell down, I don’t even know the reason why I was crying, maybe because I was in so much regret.

I felt my heart return to life… and I felt it return to its cold and unmoving state.

I felt like a part of me was missing, like there was a hole in my heart,

But the moment you called, I felt like I was whole again, like there was no wound before… but the moment you started to tell me everything, it was then that I realized that I shouldn’t have answered the call, that I was about to know something that I wasn’t prepared to know…

swept away by a flash flood

Hi, I’m here.

I called you up a few minutes ago and told you the reason why I was missing. Again, I’m sorry. This whole thing was starting to have a life of its own and it’s beyond my control.

It was tempting to say that I don’t have cell phone load that’s why I wasn’t able to contact you. Or my phone broke down or it was stolen. Probably, I can also say that I was kidnapped by aliens and was taken to their ship for a few days. I can say anything just to give you an excuse but I know you can see through those lies. You’re way too smart for that and obviously, you deserve the truth.

But I wasn’t prepared to tell you the truth, yet. Until now. And for you to be able to at least understand what I went through, I think it was just right to tell you the consequences of what happened the last time we met. Yeah, the kiss.

I waited for you at your office building that night because I wanted to take you out for dinner and talk. Nothing serious, just talk. As I drive along, I was already dreading the time that we will part ways later that night. So I drive. And drive. Drive to the farthest reasonable place we can eat. I was thinking that the longest I delayed the inevitable, the longer time I get to spend with you.

That is why we reached that place just outside the city, up in the mountains. It was a place we used to frequent before, during those times that we just want to spend time with just the two of us. We used to kiss a lot in there too. Ahhh, your kiss. What I would give just to feel those lips against mine again.

Before I knew it, I leaned into you, closer. You asked me “why?”

I heard a voice say “I love you…” and I knew it came out of my heart. Everything feels so natural. We got swept by these things happening between us and we just went with the flow. I kissed you, you kissed back. It was an all-too-familiar kiss yet it feels like the first time.

We were hugging inside the car but I feel I was outside, looking in. It wasn’t me anymore. The “Adrian” you were kissing was someone who was already consumed by his emotions and passion. I saw us passionately kissing as if we were making up for the lost time we had apart. I saw my hand caress your thigh, your hand in my neck pulling me closer. It was a deep, long kiss and I saw my hand slowly going deeper inside your office skirt. My heart was pounding like crazy as my hand gets closer and closer to that very spot I hunger for. Moments later, I knew that you were waiting for me there too, as I felt the flash flood that caught me by surprise.

It was then that I saw you reached for your cellphone and deftly turned it off. I knew it was a call you didn’t want to take. I knew it was him. I also knew that we should stop. But how can one stop a kiss like that. Moments later, you broke the kiss.

“I need to go home,” you said, “we should go…”

Hours later alone in my bed, I was questioning myself. What am I doing? What do I expect to happen? You were getting married, why am I subjecting you to something like this? I felt so selfish. I knew I was taking you down a road you didn’t want to take, but seems helpless to resist.

It was supposed to be just dinner. And I have time because my girlfriend had to cancel because of her work.

Yeah, that’s what I told you minutes ago when I called you up. I disappeared for a few days because I got scared of the things that is and might happen. It wasn’t also fair to you because I felt I lied to you. You didn’t asked if I am seeing someone, but I didn’t disclosed it also. I knew you were getting married because of that ring and there’s no way for you to know that I have a girlfriend unless I tell you.

I got scared and i have a girlfriend. I don't know if it makes sense but everything is so confusing.

And again, I’m sorry.

and now... are you gone?

That kiss was astonishing… I was not able to sleep…
My heart skipped beats… and my mind was totally out of itself

Spending a few hours with you,, having a view of the city.. Seem to pass just like a few minutes.

I will not deny the fact that I have wished the moment would never end…
Nor deny the fact that I felt the complexity of being bothered by my conscience…

My mind tells me to stop seeing you… to stop the madness that night… to turn my back…
But my heart is pushing me… begging me… to let it be alive once more.

I don’t know where you are right now… a couple of days have passed by…

Yet no shadow of you was seen…, not a call... Not even a text message…

You reattached the pieces… and now you are shattering it…




No matter how hurt I am… no matter how long… no matter how hard…


I will keep on waiting….. I will keep on wanting… I will keep holding on…


No matter how long............................….


Every single day.

-----

i miss you so much... i can't help it...

As things are starting to get out of my hands…

Last night was really different…You were outside my office…
I was surprised... Have you forgotten that I am currently engaged??
You asked me to ride the car..
I felt my feet moving on its own towards the passenger’s seat…
What’s with you that I can’t resist
As I entered your car, I felt that same old warmth that would always calm my ringing heart, like I have forgotten the whole world within a second…. That I have forgotten about him whose in the other side of this place, working hard… thinking of me…

I asked you… what the hell are you doing?
And all I had in return was a penetrating stare… My heart had almost lost its consciousness…
You didn’t answer my questions what and where…
I was in total confusion all that time..

it was quite a long drive,,, and suddenly you came to a full stop..

I looked out the window and realized that this was the place where we would usually go and hang out whenever we are stressed… a place where we could see the city from above… where we could cuddle for hours without anybody interrupting us..
And I asked you..

why??

You answered..

“I love you” and suddenly kissed me..

It was a kiss that I’ve never felt before… like there was something chasing us.. like this could be the last.. there was force but I didn’t notice it enough…

I was hesitant… but your lips were really finding its right place on mine..

your lips are still smooth

I felt something moving on my pocket…

My cellphone… .. He’s calling me…

I placed my hand on my pocket

I held my cellphone..........






And hit the power button.

No Goodbyes

“Kamusta na?” you asked, as we nurse the cup of coffee in our hands in that coffee shop.

Two words, two simple words, asking me how I have been. Yet, I don’t know how to respond to that. Yeah, how have I been since the last day we met? I don’t know. Thinking about it now, it seems I just went with the motion of trying to live a life without you. It was all a blur.

But I do remember the last day we saw each other. I do remember it well because of the uncertainty of that moment. I know we’re about to part, I know it was the end, but no words were said about it. No goodbyes, no arguments that were a staple diet during our last days as a couple. You simply walked away. Then I turned my back and walked towards the opposite direction.

At the coffee shop last week, we catch up with our lives’ happenings. You seem to be doing fine, although you didn’t say a thing about that diamond ring on your finger, and I didn’t ask about it, fearing the answer I don’t want to hear.

And as we part ways about a couple of hours later, there was that uncertainty again. That uncertainty of what’s going to happen next. Before you turned and leave, I was able to ask you something.

“Can we meet again sometime?”

“Sure” you said with that familiar smile, “here’s my card. Call me.”

My firefighter

Whenever an alarm rings in my heart, my fire fighter would always come, always there; ready to put out the fire that makes me restless and painful.
He would appease my disposition and help me out of the trouble…
..
After 2 years of putting off the fire all by myself, suddenly my fighter shows up… He “accidentally” shows up and this time he’s the one who started the fire in my heart


That afternoon.....
It was like my long dead heart had started to beat again, however, in an irregular beat.
I don’t know whether I should regret it or be happy with my answer for your invitation. I know you saw the ring on my left hand… I guess you know what it means.
Yes, I am about to get married…. To a man who has never made me happy and not just laugh.
I don’t even know why you purposely bumped on me last time…, but surely, I felt something.. I just can’t determine the feeling… if it’s confusion, sadness or just happiness to see you again.

Now, this is all because of you, my heart is ringing and you’re not here to put off the fire that you have started.

My mind wishes that you should have never shown up again………….


But my heart is calling for you once more...

A Tidal Wave Of Elation

I have always found it amusing that your name is Summer but we met on a cold December night. Maybe it’s a sign of things to come, two different aspects of you on opposite poles.

You’ve always attributed it to your wild mood swings.

You’re very pretty, that’s a given but you usually think you’re not. But there were times that even you can’t deny the fact that guys go ga-ga over you. You’re a sweet person too, but there were times that--- well, uhhmmnn… how will I put it? There were times that I’d rather hide inside my mother’s skirt to escape your wrath haha And of course, I felt that you loved me back then, a love to last but towards the end of it… towards the end of it…

…

Up until now, I don’t know what happened. Either I really don’t have a clue or I’m still in denial. That’s why when I accidentally saw you last month, a tidal wave of elation swept me towards you. I have to make up a lame excuse of “accidentally bumping” into you. Because I don’t know how you’ll react if I’ll just walk up to you and say “hi”. I don’t know on what side of the pole were you at that time.

When I asked you to go with me for a cup of coffee, I felt that hesitation on your part. I was almost sure you didn’t want to go. But then you said “sure”.

You’re still on opposite sides. That’s probably who you really are and that’s what I loved (love?) about you. You didn’t want to go, you wanted to go.

I attribute that to your wild mood swings.

Or was it because of that ring on your finger?

The Scent Of Your Perfume Awakes My Concealed Sentiments

The scent of your perfume awakes my concealed sentiments

Bumping into you the other day, made me feel like I have just passed through the longest 2 years of my life. You were still you, wearing that same old smile that never failed to make my heart skip a beat and the same scent which leads me to your apartment. The way your eyes held mine felt like you can still see through my whole being.

The way our bodies bumped into each other made me feel the emptiness of my days and nights without your warmth. It’s like my will to forget about you whom I have built for 2 long years have crumbled into ashes within a few seconds. I wanted to grab your hands and be in your loving arms again…

You fixed your hair, just like what you always do, a mannerism… and then asked me for a cup of coffee

I was about to say Yes… but I felt my left hand getting heavier... and heavier…
And I saw a beautiful diamond ring, clinging unto my middle finger. I don’t know if you saw it…

And I said…
“Sure.”